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I’m pretty drunk.
It’s difficult when you reach that threshold. Meaning that one where you feel like you’ve reached some level of apparent clarity but in all reality you’re just simply drunk. There is a not-so-fine line somewhere between that first glass of wine and the fifth beer in which your eloquent thoughts evaporate into a mess of primitive caveman impulses punctuated with brief moments of hazy distorted reality. As with tonight, I wholeheartedly regret not fully documenting the thoughts I had initially recognized as significant, but now I search for them as a blind man would feel around on the empty dusty floor for a lost item that he cannot fully identify – it seems more than somewhat futile.
My memories in general have always been somewhat fleeting – I like to think of that now as a mixed blessing, as I hope to acknowledge my current state as much more important because I have evaluated my capacity to create meaningful and lasting memories as subpar to the regular human, or so I think. It wasn’t until just lately that I’d realized how much time I’d spent dwelling on the past and future – so much so that it had become a defining characteristic of me. I still struggle with this notion, and hope that I continue to develop my mindset in such a way that I continue to recognize the current moment for what it is, rather than what it could be; and what could have potentially been. Easier said than done, who knows if I’m more introspective than the common man, or neurotically so, even to the point of a possibly crippling defining personality trait.
Which brings me to another thought - why I am so inherently critical of myself? Again this always manages to manifest itself in particular ways when I get intoxicated/introspective (they also happen separately, of course). I like to think of myself as some sort of ongoing project, but at what point will I step back and evaluate what I am and approve? This has a very pointed way of frightening me; meaning the countless times I’ve heard/read “love thyself before you can love another” and the fact I still find myself incapable of doing the first.
It’s not difficult to slide through life in the completely reactional emotion-filled state. In fact, I still find myself in it on a regular basis. The only way I’m able to control it is acknowledge it as a particular way of thinking that is symbolically similar to the way that a teenager deals with stimuli – immediate reaction and emotional response. Immaturity at it’s best! Perception of an issue and totally consuming reaction; to the point of an overwhelming response that could even be regrettable in the future.
Each relationship in my life I find to be a tightrope, minus my family. There obviously is some need for catharsis, but I cannot get over the fact that I find myself constantly expending energy in situations in which I don’t get much back – why do I feel the need? I value people in general; that is one thing that I can admit to myself truthfully, but the constant output of this energy is exhausting to say the least, especially in situations that I should probably place little to no value in. Is this even healthy? Is this a social reality that everyone has to live with? If so, could sequestering my own output be therapeutic to my general well-being, or could it backfire and make me lonelier than ever?
Another thought I’ve been trying to address as of late – am I even lonely? Or am I genuinely afraid of myself and having to see what I am or am not capable of? In silence, am I just an insignificant individual, or am I truly capable of things I cannot even fathom? I long to be someone that is capable of amazing and positive things; to be the envy of my peers, but not in a jealous way; rather a way that is accepting and extremely valuable to life in general.
I know I’ll read all this tomorrow and laugh, but I fully intend on keeping up with these thought processes because something needs to change. I do not know how, so through me writing them down, maybe at some point I can address the issues I am faced with.
